A Fond Remembrance

This morning I was out and about blog hopping and a memory was stirred.
My aunt Edna. What an amazing person she was. I never really thought so when she was alive - I was, I guess, too young and perhaps too close to her and accepted all she did as normal. And I think I probably looked at her and wondered if she felt that she had missed out on things. Edna never married. Edna never had a child. These things, I have always held as goals to achieve - and had I not achieved them in my lifetime, I felt I would have accomplished nothing.
In retrospect - I believe she accomplished just as much without ever marrying or raising a family.

In a world where men still ruled - my aunt became a manager of people. And she retired from a company after almost 40 years of service as a manager. She did this without a college degree. She was respected by all her co-workers and all of her managers. I worked with some of those same people. It was well known among those closest to her that her bark was MUCH worse than her bite! She had a very proper Bostonian upbringing and was a very prim and imperious person. However, that stern outward mien hid a heart of gold on a mushy interior.
She helped so very many people in her life - often giving chances to people that looked like they didn't deserve a chance. Sometimes she was right - and things worked out very well. And occasionally she was wrong - but not very often.
Edna had a girlfriend from her high school years. She and this woman, Mary, were both very involved in our church. They were part of the Ladies Guild. Many Sundays after mass would find both of them opening the donation envelopes and tallying the monies. Every summer, they worked the church bazaar selling raffle tickets. No trip to the carnival/bazaar was ever complete without a visit to Edna and "The Aunts".
Oh - right - the Aunts. Ok - history time - Mary, Ednas friend, had an aunt called Bubsy and a great aunt - Irene - with whom she lived. Mary had two brothers - Brud (the girls, when they were little, couldn't say "brother" - thus he became "Brud" and remained so to this day), Lorraine, and Vincent. Vincent became a priest and eventually an Monsigneur - so, he is known as Fr. Vin. Lorraine and Brud both married and had families. I never really knew Brud other than his name. Lorraine had 3 children. I knew them all well. First there was JM - oldest brother and called by his initials so not to confuse him with his dad. Then there was Elizabeth - or Buffy. And finally - there was Mary Kate. Mary Kate and I were the same age and went thru school together - thus, you can see there were ties to this family all around. Mary Kate has her own story - but I will save that for another post. So - now you know the Aunts.
The Aunts had another friend who was a local school principal. I cannot, at the moment, recall her name. In those days, there was an organization which offered special tour packages to teachers. This was to, hopefully, further their learning about other countries and cultures. Each year, the Aunts, and Edna and Fr. Vin and this school principal would take a trip. The first year, was a trip to Hawaii and California. Edna got to see Disney LAND shortly after Walt Disney opened it! She saw the Big Island before the BIG STORE CHAINS got in and .............well - in my opinion, kind of ruined it.
Edna was quite the photographer. She had several cameras - from a Brownie to a Kodak Instamatic to a Polaroid that developed its own pictures. And a slide projector. She had several 35mm - both with and without the flash. Sound familiar? My mom recently reminded me of this! LOL.
In any event, she brought me back a grass skirt that year. I think I was 3 or 4. Somewhere, there is a picture of me in her back yard attempting to dance the Hula to strains of Edna singing Aloha Oe wearing this grass skirt and a t-shirt!
Edna and her troupe made many many trips - most of them to Europe and usually 3 nations at a clip. They were all two weeks long. And each trip, she brought back something for each of her sisters, her parents, her nieces and nephews. One year, she went to Spain. On that trip, she bought each of the women in her family a strand of Majorcan pearls. As we girl cousins each turned 18, we received them to keep - but on special occasions (like my Confirmation) prior to that, we were allowed to wear them. They were truly beautiful!
On another trip, she brought back Ice Wool mittens and jackets for everyone. These were made in Iceland and were remarkably light and very very warm!!!!!!!!!!! They still have "thinsulate" beat in my opinion!
My aunt did not cook. She lived with her parents (thus the reason she always had new cars and furs and took many trips). My grandmother (another story) was the most wonderful cook and needlewoman - so Edna had no real need to cook.
Edna's first attempt at cooking (that I can remember) was Chicken Cordon Bleu. Amazingly, she did very well! It was absolutely delicious! Eventually, she took over New Years Day cooking. She did hors d'ouveres. She would put out quite a spread - including pigs in blankets, Swedish Meatballs, luncheon meats and rolls, shrimp with cocktail sauce, and scallops wrapped in bacon.
After her trip to Switzerland, she also put out Cheese Fondue. I had the pleasure of helping to make this once - and learned that buying it premade is definitely preferable! The recipe we had called for a double boiler, gruyere cheese, White Cooking Wine, Bols Kirsch Wasser..... and hours and hours and hours of stirring and stirring and stirring......................... UGH! But when it was done and in the fondue pot - OH what fun! You see - she also brought back the tradition with it. If you dropped your bread in the pot, you had to kiss everyone! Many many kisses from that!!!!!!!!!!
Each of us were exposed to wine too. If we were the "lucky" one who got to spend Friday night at Grandmas, Edna would allow us to share a small glass of wine with her on Friday night after work. Usually it was Catawba Pink. About a thimble full - but we thought it was COOL! Later on, she discovered Cold Duck. Chilled. To my childs taste buds, Catawba Pink was MUCH PREFERABLE as it was a very sweet wine, the Cold Duck was slightly bitter (dry).
All through my childhood, Edna really led quite a charmed life. She went to the beach every Saturday during the summer with her friend Mary. A big treat for us was being allowed to walk all the way (100 yards) down the crowded beach to visit with Edna and Mary and lay on the beach with her and borrow her colored sun shades! These were little gizmos that looked like two plastic spoons attached by a nose piece - they fit nicely over your eyes and kept the sun out.
Because of Edna, I knew what the crater of Mauna Loa looked like at sunrise from a plane window, saw the deep blue-green of the Aegean Sea long before Mamma Mia was filmed there, knew where the Matterhorn really was (and that Walt Disney had copied it for one of his rides at Disney Land), saw the tiny streets of Rome, knew that Donkey Rides into the Grand Canyon were fun but very painful!, knew where Llardo's, Hummels, and Waterford Crystal all came from and how they were made and how to tell the difference between a "Master"s work and an "Apprentice" work in each (yes, there really is a distinct difference!). Because of Edna, I knew who Al Hirt was (and LOVED Java!), I knew what early 60's Jamaican Rock sounded like (If I had the wings like a dove!), and fell in love with Grasshopper Pie (whipped cream with Green Creme De Menthe in a chocolate graham cracker crust). I knew what 78 records were and heard the original recording of "Domenique" by the Singing Nun! Because of Edna, I read every Nancy Drew, Cherry Ames, Hardy Boys, Ruth Fielding, Patty O'Neal, and Judy Bolton book from printed from 1932 thru 1940. I developed a passion for the printed word that exists to this day. From Edna, we all learned how to cut sandwich meat so that it fit the bread perfectly, and how to have the deli slice the cheese very thin and repackage every deli purchase so that it looked like it was still on the block! We also learned how to print each letter of the alphabet in perfect blocks so they fit precisely inside those little boxes on forms.
In her later years, her life was not quite so charmed. In another blog, I wrote a bit about taking care of my grandparents and how the whole family helped to keep them at home all their lives. Edna lived with them and thus was instrumental in the orchestration of such. She moved out of her bedroom and into my grandparents room where she slept with my grandmother. My grandfather slept in a bed in the living room. While Edna went to work, my mother and her sister alternated the days taking care of the grandparents until Edna came home at night.
Edna spent over ten years traveling no further than her office or the grocery store. Not once do I ever remember her complaining. She did not attend a play. She only went out to a company dinner on the very rare occasions that my mother or her sister could stay overnight with their parents. She no longer even went to Pennsylvania to visit Fr. Vin with the Aunts. For someone who had spent the majority of her adult life doing exactly as she pleased, this had to be a very big let down. The chains of caring for two elderly people had to weigh on her very heavily. But, this never occurred to me till recently because not once in all those years did I ever hear her say one word about it. She simply accepted that this was what she had to do and did it.
When they passed away, she was once again free to do as she pleased.
But not for long.
In the fall of 1988, she was diagnosed with 3rd stage Pancreatic Cancer. To this day, there is no cure. They did surgery to reroute the gastric system to bypass the pancreas. This gave her a bit more time, but not enough.
That last Christmas, my now x-husband and I went to her home and put up her Christmas tree. She was determined that Christmas would be no different for our family than it ever was. She loved the color white. Most of her cars were white with white interiors. And her Christmas tree had nothing but white lights! The decorations that she put on she had made herself. Today, those ornaments decorate my tree. We both can still hear the echos in our mind of "It needs more lights!".
The best memory I have of Edna though, was St. Patricks Day in 1989. Edna took my mother and I out for dinner at an Irish restaurant. The maternal side of my family is as Irish as the day is long and no holiday made Edna as happy as St. Paddy's day! Edna was having trouble eating by that time. She had her good days and others..........well..... But, being St. Paddys day, it must be celebrated! Edna and my mom had the Corned Beef and cabbage. Not being much for cabbage, I thought I would try Irish Stew - which I had never in my life had. I will never forget the look on my aunts face when I finished the last drop of stew and pronounced it the most WONDERFUL dish I had ever had! I'm not sure why - Edna's face just lit up with joy at that pronounciation! I remember that happy, almost elf-like smile and that is what I see when I picture her today. I think because Edna was most happy making other people happy - and she knew that she had made me happy!
Edna passed away in the fall of 1989 - just a day before her 62nd birthday. She lived just long enough to see me engaged (and threaten my fiancee with breaking his kneecaps with her cane from heaven if he did ANYTHING to make me unhappy!), and her first great-nephew (my brothers son) born.
The night she passed, my brother and I went to see her for a short time - she had lapsed into a coma and we heard the "death rattle". The hospice nurses had told us it would not be long..... My brother and I were living in her house at that time. He was downstairs in my grandparents old bedroom. Around 10:35, I was upstairs on the phone with my fiancee. The lights went off. The phone went dead. For almost a minute - there was NOTHING but pitch black upstairs. I ran downstairs - and asked my brother if everything was alright - he had noticed nothing. I ran back upstairs and, with a shaking voice - asked if the fiancee was still on the line - in his voice I heard fear - he told me that he had heard nothing at all for a bit........... And then pure calm as I realized what had happened a fact my mother confirmed the next day. The time of complete darkness on only ONE FLOOR of Ednas home (which was not wired so that the second floor was separate from the first) ... was the time of her passing.
Fr. Vin drove in from Pennsylvania and was given permission to say her funeral mass at a local church.
I always wished that she could have lived long enough to meet my daughter. But I believe she is enjoying Teresa's growing years anyway. I miss her to this day. As do many who were affected by her. Her life was special and wonderful!
Thank you all for taking this trip down memory lane with me and sharing the spirit of a woman to remember!

So...What would you do???

Hypothetical situation: You are Mr. Paulson. You have a financial mess in your country. By the way - just to make things interesting, the rest of the world is in the same financial mess....

So, you have a few dollars to spread around and lots of places to put it............. What are you going to do with it?

Feel free to write a tome.......I am interested in anything anyone might have to say!

So.....what about Sarah?

Well, what do you all think about John McCain's choice of running mate?

I have done some serious reading - not in the tabloids - on some very good political websites. And watched some speeches and interviews. Because, as far as I'm concerned, she just came from out of nowhere....... really. Never heard of her before she was chosen. Of course, I can't claim to have followed Alaskan politics as I've always lived here on the east coast of the US.

What a lady!

There is only one place where we have a serious disagreement - and that is the issue of abortion. She and I are simply at complete opposite ends of the spectrum on that. I think that might have something to do with the 8 year difference in our ages. She may not remember when abortion was done illegally in back alleys with coat hangers.......... and a lot of young rising stars were extinguished because of this. There are enough problems now with infants born and left in dumpsters........this problem and the problem of young women dying due to non-sterile procedures would simply escalate.
However, looking further - at the state of the country and what candidate is best for our country, I can only say one thing - I wish that Sarah Palin were running for president. She would have my vote in a split second!
Yes, I'm aware she changed her mind on the Bridges to Nowhere. And your point would be what? That she will change her mind? Uh - most of us do. When one set of facts is presented, our minds go one way. When a subsequent set of facts is provided - our minds can change based on this new information - and this new information may not have been available at the time that the first set of facts was.......... Think about it.
This is a woman who will stand up for what she believes in. She has proved that. This is a woman who will not back down in a firefight. She has proved that too. This is a woman who can hold a demanding political position and STILL be a good mother.

Oh - wait - you want to air her 'dirty laundry' and discuss her pregnant teen daughter? I'm sorry, I agree with Mr. Obama on that one - the mistakes that the children make who are old enough to make their own decisions - should not reflect on the parents political ability. Further, the child has made the same decision the mother would have in choosing to keep the child and marry the father. This, I believe demonstrates the support of the family and the moral values with which the child was raised.

As mayor, she took a pay cut.
She created cuts in spending that got her government back on track both as mayor and governor. Those things call for a stiff spine! She fired people who were not living up to the expectations of honesty in public officials!
She is ready to open up the small portion of ANWR necessary to help lessen our dependancy on foreign oil.
She is a lifetime member and supporter of the NRA and the right of Americans to bear arms. While I'm far from a gun-toter myself, I agree with this stance. First: the vast majority of crimes are commtted by people who obtained their weapons illegally. This will occur no matter how much we regulate weapons. Secondly: negating the ability of Americans to own weapons legally creates a better black market for them and keeps more criminals in business. So, gun control is a good thing how? More gun safety courses - now THATS something I can go for! Accidents do happen! Innocent lives are lost - safety IS an issue.
And she has stated that Special Needs Children will have an advocate in the White House if she is elected. Hard to believe she would NOT follow through on that one since her youngest is a special needs child.
All in all - a good candidate for assisting in the running of our country, I'd say.

I was on the fence as to where my vote would be cast......for the militant male war hero or the man with the plan and no proof to puddin............ This, to me, was a choice of the lesser of two evils.
Now, I see a different choice - and a better one.

Internal Disagreement

I am at war with myself.

Are you?

Part of me realizes that the only way the human race will survive is for all of us to learn to work together. I know that this will require everyone to treat each other as neighbors, as friends. I know that this will require all boundaries be erased - that everyone be allowed to roam freely across this planet we call home. I know our survival depends on us learning to accept diversity. To live with a diametrically opposing culture right next door comfortably. I know, too, that these principals are a long way from being reality.

We need to accept that we can solve problems without violence. How's that for one heck of a concept? Most of us can't co-exist peacefully with our families..........people who are much like us. How are we ever going to get to the point where we can co-exist with ANYONE no matter how disparate they are? How can we accept the right of our neighbors to BE our neighbors when we are ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that our neighbors should only be people just like us? How can we accept the right of our neighbors to practice Kabala or Judaism or Catholicism when we are ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that whatever WE practice is the ONLY right way? How can we accept that our neighbor drinks alcohol or is a vegan when we are CERTAIN beyond the SHADOW of a doubt that not drinking or eating of once-living things is the only way to live? And that all other ways are just "stupid", or "false", or "dumb".....

We need a world banking system or bartering system. I apologize to all of you who trade in dollars and yens - but, we do. One currency. One value. Everyone trades in it. Level the playing field. My widget should not be worth any more or less depending on where I sell it. If I sell it in France, I should get the same amount of currency as I get selling it in the US, or China, or Nigeria. It should cost the same to make too - regardless of where I make it. Because my labor costs the same whether my plant is in India or Brazil or the US.

One government. For everyone. With only one rule. To treat all as human beings should be treated - with love, compassion and respect. Completely equal rights. No one group of people should be more equal than any other. No quotas of having so many of one and so many of another. The best person for the job gets the job, period. If that person is an African-American female - great. If that person is an Asian male - great. Whichever is better suited for the job at hand. We all have our skill sets. And no matter how good we are, someone is always better. Deal with it.

Healthcare and the basic necessities for all. That means a place to live, a bed to sleep in, and food to eat. The necessities. Money should not determine who lives and who dies, who has a roof over their heads and who shivers on the street, who suffers from malnutrition and who has more than enough to fill their bellies and have leftovers. Doctors, nurses, radiographers, physicians assistants, nurse practitioners..........if you all are NOT in your field because you have a calling to be there - a real concern for the health of others - then WHY ARE YOU THERE? If its just the money - you need to find another profession. Get over it.

Oh - yes, and EVERYONE works. At something. No free rides. Just because you are continually sad or missing a leg or an eye or have back trouble or ataxia - doesn't mean you can't do SOMETHING. If you want to have personal possessions - jewelry, car, computer, stereo - the finer things in life - you WORK for them. At whatever you are capable of. If you can get up and make coffee in the morning for yourself, then you can make coffee for others. If you can log onto a computer, you can do data entry. You can visit with someone who needs a visitor. If you do not learn well, you can learn to use a shovel to build a foundation or chauffeur someone to a destination or you can learn to vacuum a rug.

And my final point (I can hear you all groaning now) - we need to abolish borders. I think, to most of us, this is about the most abhorrent thing I could have said. We have so very many illegal aliens here sponging off our largesse that the thought of NOT having respected borders leaves a very bad taste in our mouths. They come to our country by boat, by walking, by driving, by swimming. Some come here legally temporarily, build a life here and let their "temporary" expire without "re-upping". They give birth in our hospitals at our expense and we HAVE to take care of their children because our laws state that if you are born here, you are an American citizen. They work under the table and pay no taxes. They can go on social security but never have to pay into it.

And here is where I war with myself.............Why should I pay for someone to have a baby here when I can't afford to have one myself? Why should I pay for that child to have an education and food when my sons and daughters are eating pasta because that is what we can afford. Why should my tax dollars go to clothe the child of a person who does not pay taxes here when my child is in patched up jeans and sneakers with holes in them? Why should I support that persons fuel bill when I know that I will not be able to keep up with my fuel bill this winter? If we just put stronger border controls in place............If we brought our boys home from Afghanistan and Iraq and Iran and Germany and Japan and Russia and all the other places we have them stationed, and put them to work as border guards........ If, instead of (inhumanely) "detaining" these people, we just put them on ferry boats or planes WITH their children born here and sent them back to wherever they came from - would we not, then, have more for our country? Wouldn't we? Take care of our house first. Get the U.S. in order and fix OUR troubles before we reach out to help others. More for us.......less for THEM......... You can't have it - its MINE! I'm gonna take my toys and go HOME! NYAH. And we shut our doors.And our hearts. And our minds.

Children are taught from early on to share. And they are also taught to protect what is theirs............ How confusing is that? So, we grow up to be confused adults. Who can share SOMETIMES. But other times, we want the whole pie all to ourselves. For us. For our kids. For our community. For our country........ ALL FOR ME, NONE FOR YOU.

So...........how will this war end? I don't know. My heart goes both ways. Because, I am the confused adult who was taught to share but was also taught to protect what is mine and to do for my own........... and I know that, worldwide, this conflict will not end in my lifetime. It will not end in my children's or their children's lifetimes. So, I am torn. What do I believe in? Do I stand for all illegal aliens being deported regardless of the circumstances? Do I stand against a woman coming here to give birth because she knows her child will have a better life here than wherever she is from? As a parent, would I do any different for my child? Or do I stand for these people being able to 'freeload' off my hard-earned tax dollars?

I do not know the answer............

Is It Just Me?

Or has anyone else noticed that their gas tanks seem to hold more gas all of a sudden?
No - really. I'm not crazy.
My significant other has noticed the same thing.
When my fuel gauge is right on E (yes, I know it has a reserve), I have generally put about 13.5 gallons of gas in. This was true for all the years I have owned the car (5) - except for this year. This last year, I am able to get something like 14.5 - and once, even 15 into this tank!
How?
Would anyone care to hazard a guess?
Oh - no, I am NOT getting any more miles to a tank of gas............ you would think I would as I am obviously putting more gas into the car - but I'm not. (Yes, its been tuned and yes I have double platinums in there and yes I have had the oil changed.)
I'm sure this is a phenomena that happens to some cars in particular and not others. And it is obviously some phenomena of which neither I nor my significant other are aware.
Any ideas?
Or maybe............could it really be just us?

A Bicycle Built for....................YOU?

This week, it appears that oil is taking a turn for the worse. Bad for the oil moguls. Good for the general populace....... Oil is now almost 25$ off or less than its high of a week ago. This means that all of the by-products of oil - including gasoline - will also come down in price. Of course, if you live in Connecticut - you know that our gasoline prices go up faster and come down slower than the other 49 states. We don't have an understanding of why that phenomena is - just that it IS.....

The price of oil and its counterpart - gasoline - has forced some changes on all of us. Certainly, no one's paychecks are going up commensurate with the price of consumables. So, we must all tighten our belts a bit in many places.

As a single mom of two very active kids, it is difficult at best to get the kids everywhere they have to go when they need to be there. To do so without the assistance of a gasoline-powered vehicle, harder still. Yes, I could trade my current gas-guzzler in for a hybrid - with college for one child looming, I really cannot afford to do so - especially not a hybrid which is significantly more initially. And, of course, NOT using a car is NOT an option. At least not most of the time.

There are those times, though, when the errand I am running only involves me. And it may be only to pick up one or two things. So, this winter, I went to the local discount store and purchased this:














A nifty little invention - and in PURPLE too - this dragons FAVORITE color!
I also purchased this other little dynomite thing to go with it:
Neat, aren't they?

So - I suppose you are thinking to yourself - "Gee, self, that kinda looks like more work than I wanna do." Or perhaps you are thinking, "and HOW do you bring milk or bread back from the store???"

Well - to answer the first question - it is a lot of work. But its GOOD work! Note the headphones on the helmet? I can put my very favorite tunes on my mp3 player, clip it to my shirt, plug the headphones in - and - INSTANT RADIO! Dragon Style! The headphones are on the helmet - NOT on my ears so I can hear the tunes I want to hear and still hear traffic!
Start small.... just around the block at first. And then expand in ever-widening circles. It does not take long - even for this ancient dragon - to get accustomed to pedaling 8 miles or more in any given day. I get to "take time to smell the roses" - I see things that I would NEVER see in a car. It DOES take me longer to get to my destination - but I get there - and in better shape than when I left.

So....you are still wondering about transporting things?............... I was too. For a long time. And then I bought a camera - and I wanted to be able to take it with me - because I enjoy snapping pictures. But, I have a BIG camera - not one of those neat little compact things..... And what about taking a blanket to the beach? And sunscreen? And my water? And then it hit me - a backpack! For just a few dollars, I purchased a pink (there WASN'T any purple GRRRR) backpack. I can fit EVERYTHING I could ever want in it! And, when I want to run to the local sub shop and pick up a sub, I can empty the beach towels out and there is plenty of room for subs...... Same for running to the corner store for bread or milk.

For the times that I actually use this two-wheeled vehicle to provide transportation (as opposed to riding for exercise or enjoyment), I really do not save a lot. But, when combined with other methodologies, a definite savings can be recognized.

And that is all for today.
More to come.........

Energy Crisis - Who Is To Blame

Many years ago, I was in an organization that worked hard to pin blame when something went wrong. End result: when something goes wrong, everyone knows who to blame. I have also had the experience of being in an organization that worked to get the problem fixed when something went wrong. End result: the problem got fixed.

In this time of crisis - and make no mistake - this IS a time of crisis - we can blame the speculators - after all, their speculations can drive the price of commodities in the market artificially high. Currently, this translates to higher prices for heating our homes and driving to work.

We can also blame the de-valued dollar. As of this morning, the exchange rate for the American dollar in the European market is $0.62 (that would be the "Eurodollar" - the currency that OPEC has talked about using as currency of choice for their oil going forward). Therefore, the prices of the things we buy is greater.

We can blame the environmentalists for pushing measures through Congress which do not allow us to drill for oil in many places where drilling would not only be possible but profitable.
We could blame "Big Oil" for raking in huge profits across the last few years and laughing all the way to the bank.
We can blame the Bush administration for its magical manipulation of the economy to support "Big Oil" - a community to which Bush and many of his constituents belong.

We can also blame the Iraqi's who refuse to push their output of crude much higher - that supply and demand thing - the greater the demand, the higher the price.

We can even subscribe to the "conspiracy" theory - whether you believe its a plot to support terrorism, or a plot for monetary gain by the already fabulously wealthy oil magnates, or a plot by the environmentalists to force alternative energy on America.
Any and all of these ideas have been put forth and are entirely possible. I find most people subscribe to one theory or another.
We can blame ALL of these groups and theories and, I'm sure, a great many more. End result: eventually - everyone will know who to blame.

None of this, however, addresses the problem we have - our immediate crisis: Higher energy costs. Each and every one of us is affected to some degree. We have higher home heating costs. We have higher cost of goods and services brought on by higher cost of transportation and general day-to-day cost-of doing business. We have higher cost of gasoline and petroleum-based products.
These are the facts we must live with now and into the foreseeable future.

In coming posts, I shall attempt to address energy related issues from various perspectives. I will share information as I find it and as it becomes pertinent.
Stay tuned and thank you for reading.

A Change of Venue

Possibly even a change of atmosphere. Darkness has enveloped me enough.
This blog has traditionally been my blog for venting.
Time for a change....... to step into and STAY in the light!
Now it is time for MotherHenDragon to see what is out there in the world...........what new and exciting opportunities are available.
My newest venture has been photography - and I have managed to capture the spirit of a great many of natures finer moments. I shall share many of those as time goes one.
Join me on my new adventure, won't you?

Snow Stopped for now

Yes - it has.....but I can't tell for how long. I just don't feel like this is really it. Now, that doesn't mean I can't be convinced or that I'm not prayin just as hard as I can for it to really be the end - it just means that I've lost the faith for the moment.
This is horrible to say - even more horrible to write - but - for the very first time since I met this man, I was truly disgusted by him and wanted nothing to do with him. I did not want to talk to him. I did not want to be around him. The thought of him kissing me? UGH! And that is a horrible, horrible feeling. I know that its not really HIM that I abhor - its what he is doing to himself - and to us - that I abhor. And now all the work begins - he thinks the work is just for him to do.... It isn't. Now, I need to go through every shirt pocket, every sock, every shoe, every pants pocket, every pair of underwear, every book - and every page of every book, every drawer, every pill bottle, every possible place where you can put these bags....and they are no bigger than my pinkie. Can you imagine? Something THAT small? Its like looking for a needle in a haystack. And just because one finds 'fire' (a lighter) doesn't mean that the smoke is close at hand.... So, there is just nothing that one can use as a clue. Ya just have to go through everything. Its hard. Its work I do not enjoy under ANY circumstances - but less right now because I'm so angry.
I'm angry because I feel that I provided a good home for him. I supported him in his efforts to stay away from the snow. I supported his efforts at getting a job - and getting promoted. Every morning, I get up and I get his coffee, wake him up, iron his clothes, put out his breakfast and pack his lunch - I make his sandwich with love and slice it just he way he likes it. Anything he has asked for, I have gotten. When he comes home, he has time for a short nap and dinner is on the table. His laundry gets brought down to the washer, washed, dried, folded and brought back up. I listen to everything he has to say about his job - I offer support and concern and guidance when its wanted....all this in addition to the 12-hour-a-day job that I work PLUS the stuff I get to do being a single mother of two teenagers!
For all of this, I get a weatherman - he can make it snow - "now theres snow in the palm trees, snow in the sand - it snows all day for 60$ a gram - now they strung out and high and hung out to dry, its in the air that they breathe, the food that they buy. They think that they can fly but thats a white lie!" (excerpt from the song "VICE" by Grandmaster Melle Mel - used in Miami Vice II) ..
UGH. Oh yes - and I also get LESS than 1/4 of all the basic household bills per month NOT INCLUDING FOOD!!! Whats up with that??? Less than 1/4. I asked for 1/4 - just 1/4 - because I have 2 kids that are largely grown - and I am responsible for them.... I ask for NO HELP with raising them or any of their expenses - not even from their FATHER have I asked for that..... and he, being the wonderful father he is (insert snort of derision here) gives exactly that - NO help!Well, thats ok - because I am the one who wanted them - and they KNOW that!
But - geez - this makes the, like 5th or so guy who has just taken advantage of me long term.... Now THAT just blows! He is making enough that he can cut back on his pension distribution - and still pay down his debts. But, not put any money into the groceries that HE is eating?!
And sex? We don't have ANY! Because he hasn't given up this obsession long enough for any of the necessary hormones to go back into production on their own. This stuff DESTROYS the pleasure-pain epicenters.... and he is older anyway so you combine the two and - instant FAGEDABOUDIT - NOT HAPPENIN! No - viagra does NOT work on self-destruction. Nothing does except TIME! Time that he WON''T give his body to heal.
I'm sorry I am rattling - but I am just really disgusted with this whole thing and with myself for allowing myself to be taken advantage of yet again. I got to the point over the weekend where I got beyond the shame of having my relatives and friends look down on me for yet another failed relationship and got to the point where I was ready to tell him to pack his stuff and go find another apartment. Now - that was a hard place to get to ..... but, his disease was manifesting itself ever worse. And it was only a matter of time before the kids figured it out. I did NOT want that!
Ok.....now that I've poured out my anger...... and this may not be the last time I pour out anger - I am probably going to a nar-anon meeting this week to dump some more.....
But - anyway - now that I've dumped a bit, I feel a little bit better and ready to go back at the sock drawer again....sigh
Wish me luck.