Yes - it has.....but I can't tell for how long. I just don't feel like this is really it. Now, that doesn't mean I can't be convinced or that I'm not prayin just as hard as I can for it to really be the end - it just means that I've lost the faith for the moment.
This is horrible to say - even more horrible to write - but - for the very first time since I met this man, I was truly disgusted by him and wanted nothing to do with him. I did not want to talk to him. I did not want to be around him. The thought of him kissing me? UGH! And that is a horrible, horrible feeling. I know that its not really HIM that I abhor - its what he is doing to himself - and to us - that I abhor. And now all the work begins - he thinks the work is just for him to do.... It isn't. Now, I need to go through every shirt pocket, every sock, every shoe, every pants pocket, every pair of underwear, every book - and every page of every book, every drawer, every pill bottle, every possible place where you can put these bags....and they are no bigger than my pinkie. Can you imagine? Something THAT small? Its like looking for a needle in a haystack. And just because one finds 'fire' (a lighter) doesn't mean that the smoke is close at hand.... So, there is just nothing that one can use as a clue. Ya just have to go through everything. Its hard. Its work I do not enjoy under ANY circumstances - but less right now because I'm so angry.
I'm angry because I feel that I provided a good home for him. I supported him in his efforts to stay away from the snow. I supported his efforts at getting a job - and getting promoted. Every morning, I get up and I get his coffee, wake him up, iron his clothes, put out his breakfast and pack his lunch - I make his sandwich with love and slice it just he way he likes it. Anything he has asked for, I have gotten. When he comes home, he has time for a short nap and dinner is on the table. His laundry gets brought down to the washer, washed, dried, folded and brought back up. I listen to everything he has to say about his job - I offer support and concern and guidance when its wanted....all this in addition to the 12-hour-a-day job that I work PLUS the stuff I get to do being a single mother of two teenagers!
For all of this, I get a weatherman - he can make it snow - "now theres snow in the palm trees, snow in the sand - it snows all day for 60$ a gram - now they strung out and high and hung out to dry, its in the air that they breathe, the food that they buy. They think that they can fly but thats a white lie!" (excerpt from the song "VICE" by Grandmaster Melle Mel - used in Miami Vice II) ..
UGH. Oh yes - and I also get LESS than 1/4 of all the basic household bills per month NOT INCLUDING FOOD!!! Whats up with that??? Less than 1/4. I asked for 1/4 - just 1/4 - because I have 2 kids that are largely grown - and I am responsible for them.... I ask for NO HELP with raising them or any of their expenses - not even from their FATHER have I asked for that..... and he, being the wonderful father he is (insert snort of derision here) gives exactly that - NO help!Well, thats ok - because I am the one who wanted them - and they KNOW that!
But - geez - this makes the, like 5th or so guy who has just taken advantage of me long term.... Now THAT just blows! He is making enough that he can cut back on his pension distribution - and still pay down his debts. But, not put any money into the groceries that HE is eating?!
And sex? We don't have ANY! Because he hasn't given up this obsession long enough for any of the necessary hormones to go back into production on their own. This stuff DESTROYS the pleasure-pain epicenters.... and he is older anyway so you combine the two and - instant FAGEDABOUDIT - NOT HAPPENIN! No - viagra does NOT work on self-destruction. Nothing does except TIME! Time that he WON''T give his body to heal.
I'm sorry I am rattling - but I am just really disgusted with this whole thing and with myself for allowing myself to be taken advantage of yet again. I got to the point over the weekend where I got beyond the shame of having my relatives and friends look down on me for yet another failed relationship and got to the point where I was ready to tell him to pack his stuff and go find another apartment. Now - that was a hard place to get to ..... but, his disease was manifesting itself ever worse. And it was only a matter of time before the kids figured it out. I did NOT want that!
Ok.....now that I've poured out my anger...... and this may not be the last time I pour out anger - I am probably going to a nar-anon meeting this week to dump some more.....
But - anyway - now that I've dumped a bit, I feel a little bit better and ready to go back at the sock drawer again....sigh
Wish me luck.
