Getting High

I have a seriously guilty secret. I LOVE getting high. Yep....  I do. Getting high is my life's passion - a feeling like no other. You feel it from the core of you expanding out to the tips of your fingers and toes. It builds and builds till it just BURSTS forth from inside filling you with the most indescribably delicious warmth!
Joy. Pure, unadulterated Joy.
I wish I could bottle and sell that feeling.
I know for sure I'd be financially well off! 
Bet ya'all are just drooling to know the details... How do I do it? Crack? Weed? What doctor writes my prescription? Who is my dealer? What street corner do I stand on? How can I possibly afford to get high?
Well... I'm gonna tell ya.
My high is free.
Yep.
Free.
No cash.
Really.
I can hear you all now....... "what connections does SHE have?!?!" and "Dam, I want me some of that!"
Well - you can have it.
I'll gladly share.
the how.

Let me tell you a little story to illustrate....  Almost 20 years ago, my kids told me to shut up.  Yep... me. the lady who sings ALL THE TIME!  "Shut up, mom" they said.  "PLEASE!!!", they said. "You sound HORRIBLE - like a dead frog!".  Sad part is - they were right. 
And then I got this sinus infection that wouldn't quit. Antibiotics didn't touch it. UGH!
Somehow, the brain grabbed control of me from the heart.  I'm not sure how - cuz the heart NEVER  EVER lets the brain win. But, this time it did.
Wait! I know you are bored.... I'm sorry. but revealing my guilty secret requires SOME build up - after all, it IS my guilty secret!
And I'm about to tell you all how to get high for free! So - be patient and allow me my small pleasure.
Now........... where was I........ 
Oh - right, brain won. 
So, I stopped (just for a day) that ugly thing I had been doing for more than 20 years....  Just to see if maybe, as a last ditch effort, THAT might help rid me of this sinus infection. 
Two days later...........  I got high for the first time.  
On my front porch. In front of a LOT of underage kids. 
I know.... terrible of me. 
I'm a HORRIBLE influence.... I know. How could I do that in front of LITTLE KIDS! 
I just could not help myself. And once I started - I just could NOT stop! I mean, that feeling is LIFE CHANGING! 

Oh...........
right
you want to know what drug and who my dealer is....
ok...
Guess its time.... 
Ok... my guilty secret and drug of choice...

Are you sure you can handle it? No really - its addicting. Once you have it, you CAN"T let it go. There are NO detox programs to help you with this.... maybe one day there will be - but right now, if you choose to do what I did - there is no going back and no hope of rescue... You can't be saved from this drug. You can never be free of it. Searching for that high will occupy your whole life! It will consume you! 
Are you sure you want to know? Are you sure you want to? 

Ok...
Don't say I didn't warn you. 

My drug of choice?
Music.

Yep. Music. 
No prescription or dealer necessary.

There is NO high like being part of a group that blends perfectly and performs a piece as if the piece was written for them. There is NO high like playing a song you love and knowing when you finish that you played it PERFECTLY - with your whole heart in it! So much so that your whole heart is exposed for all the world to see because it LEAPS out of your chest with a life of its own. There is no high like hitting a perfect note perfectly - TWICE! 

Ok... well, maybe there is another high like that.
But just one..........
Seeing a sunrise in the company of the fey creatures of the woodland.... 

Watching that beautiful ball of fire gently slip up from the ocean floor where it had rested overnight.... slowly changing the midnight blue of the sky and sea a much brighter azure with overlappying bold brush strokes of gold! To see the deep evergreen of the forest change to a brilliant emerald with streaks of chartreuse and fawn....
Yep - I'm so embarrassed.
But, I had to 'come out' - it is just necessary for my soul to share this guilty secret with the world. Its part of my therapy.... 
Oh - and my dealer? 
Yes... 
I suppose you need to know that too. 
After all, you'll need the same prescription I have - so, I guess you'll need to know who to go to. 
Wait..... I can't tell you my dealers name. 
Oh no.... 
That is just too much....
I don't know... 
Hum...
Well... ok.... I guess...............


you.

yes.
you.
all this happiness and joy - its inside you. 
you have to find your own key - that is something I can't give away - its a part of me.  

Joy. 
No $ required. 

May the Spirit of this Holiday Season grant your soul the peace and serenity it craves. 

The Lioness' 'New' Den

Before my friend re-appeared, I wondered if I was retreating into my mind.... wondered if I did totally retreat - would I (could I) come back? Concentration eluded me despite the ADHD meds I take. I was wandering lost in the past with no intention of returning to reality. It is amazing the changes just a few weeks can make. Energy was non-existent. Even my therapist was discouraged. 
What a difference a few weeks can make!
With the assistance of my friend and ex-husband, I "cleaned house" - requiring all current boarders to find other lodgings. This edict was well-met by most of the 'flophouse' denizens. Some required a reminder or two. However, all are now OUT. 
My daughter has spread her wings and found a new 'roost' - her first apartment, with two others. I believe this is a positive thing both for her and me. She will grow and learn - but not so far from home that she can't run home when she needs to..... like to do her laundry.
There are now only 3 humans, 2 felines, and one lagomorph residing here. This is the smallest population of this home in 10 years! It almost feels empty! The house is more welcoming now. And more organized. And more clean!
With the constant nudges and pushes from my friend - I am slowly regaining control of many things - and I have seen the first glimmer of hope for my son's recovery and eventual entrance to the "real world". 
I have had someone to talk to on a regular basis who actually understood where I've been and why - and where my son had been and why.  I have my own personal "cheering section". 
My friend has needed his own personal "cheering section" too - and has one. There have been  many impromptu meetings of the "Mutual Aid Society" over dinner or fresh cups of coffee...... 
But the funniest thing?
If a fly were on the wall watching the two of us passing each other carrying on full conversations with ourselves and ignoring each other completely - the fly would be collapsed in mirth (as I have been every time I see this phenomena and become aware of it!).
The progress in both our lives is slow. But, that there is progress is most wondrous indeed!