Getting High

I have a seriously guilty secret. I LOVE getting high. Yep....  I do. Getting high is my life's passion - a feeling like no other. You feel it from the core of you expanding out to the tips of your fingers and toes. It builds and builds till it just BURSTS forth from inside filling you with the most indescribably delicious warmth!
Joy. Pure, unadulterated Joy.
I wish I could bottle and sell that feeling.
I know for sure I'd be financially well off! 
Bet ya'all are just drooling to know the details... How do I do it? Crack? Weed? What doctor writes my prescription? Who is my dealer? What street corner do I stand on? How can I possibly afford to get high?
Well... I'm gonna tell ya.
My high is free.
Yep.
Free.
No cash.
Really.
I can hear you all now....... "what connections does SHE have?!?!" and "Dam, I want me some of that!"
Well - you can have it.
I'll gladly share.
the how.

Let me tell you a little story to illustrate....  Almost 20 years ago, my kids told me to shut up.  Yep... me. the lady who sings ALL THE TIME!  "Shut up, mom" they said.  "PLEASE!!!", they said. "You sound HORRIBLE - like a dead frog!".  Sad part is - they were right. 
And then I got this sinus infection that wouldn't quit. Antibiotics didn't touch it. UGH!
Somehow, the brain grabbed control of me from the heart.  I'm not sure how - cuz the heart NEVER  EVER lets the brain win. But, this time it did.
Wait! I know you are bored.... I'm sorry. but revealing my guilty secret requires SOME build up - after all, it IS my guilty secret!
And I'm about to tell you all how to get high for free! So - be patient and allow me my small pleasure.
Now........... where was I........ 
Oh - right, brain won. 
So, I stopped (just for a day) that ugly thing I had been doing for more than 20 years....  Just to see if maybe, as a last ditch effort, THAT might help rid me of this sinus infection. 
Two days later...........  I got high for the first time.  
On my front porch. In front of a LOT of underage kids. 
I know.... terrible of me. 
I'm a HORRIBLE influence.... I know. How could I do that in front of LITTLE KIDS! 
I just could not help myself. And once I started - I just could NOT stop! I mean, that feeling is LIFE CHANGING! 

Oh...........
right
you want to know what drug and who my dealer is....
ok...
Guess its time.... 
Ok... my guilty secret and drug of choice...

Are you sure you can handle it? No really - its addicting. Once you have it, you CAN"T let it go. There are NO detox programs to help you with this.... maybe one day there will be - but right now, if you choose to do what I did - there is no going back and no hope of rescue... You can't be saved from this drug. You can never be free of it. Searching for that high will occupy your whole life! It will consume you! 
Are you sure you want to know? Are you sure you want to? 

Ok...
Don't say I didn't warn you. 

My drug of choice?
Music.

Yep. Music. 
No prescription or dealer necessary.

There is NO high like being part of a group that blends perfectly and performs a piece as if the piece was written for them. There is NO high like playing a song you love and knowing when you finish that you played it PERFECTLY - with your whole heart in it! So much so that your whole heart is exposed for all the world to see because it LEAPS out of your chest with a life of its own. There is no high like hitting a perfect note perfectly - TWICE! 

Ok... well, maybe there is another high like that.
But just one..........
Seeing a sunrise in the company of the fey creatures of the woodland.... 

Watching that beautiful ball of fire gently slip up from the ocean floor where it had rested overnight.... slowly changing the midnight blue of the sky and sea a much brighter azure with overlappying bold brush strokes of gold! To see the deep evergreen of the forest change to a brilliant emerald with streaks of chartreuse and fawn....
Yep - I'm so embarrassed.
But, I had to 'come out' - it is just necessary for my soul to share this guilty secret with the world. Its part of my therapy.... 
Oh - and my dealer? 
Yes... 
I suppose you need to know that too. 
After all, you'll need the same prescription I have - so, I guess you'll need to know who to go to. 
Wait..... I can't tell you my dealers name. 
Oh no.... 
That is just too much....
I don't know... 
Hum...
Well... ok.... I guess...............


you.

yes.
you.
all this happiness and joy - its inside you. 
you have to find your own key - that is something I can't give away - its a part of me.  

Joy. 
No $ required. 

May the Spirit of this Holiday Season grant your soul the peace and serenity it craves. 

The Lioness' 'New' Den

Before my friend re-appeared, I wondered if I was retreating into my mind.... wondered if I did totally retreat - would I (could I) come back? Concentration eluded me despite the ADHD meds I take. I was wandering lost in the past with no intention of returning to reality. It is amazing the changes just a few weeks can make. Energy was non-existent. Even my therapist was discouraged. 
What a difference a few weeks can make!
With the assistance of my friend and ex-husband, I "cleaned house" - requiring all current boarders to find other lodgings. This edict was well-met by most of the 'flophouse' denizens. Some required a reminder or two. However, all are now OUT. 
My daughter has spread her wings and found a new 'roost' - her first apartment, with two others. I believe this is a positive thing both for her and me. She will grow and learn - but not so far from home that she can't run home when she needs to..... like to do her laundry.
There are now only 3 humans, 2 felines, and one lagomorph residing here. This is the smallest population of this home in 10 years! It almost feels empty! The house is more welcoming now. And more organized. And more clean!
With the constant nudges and pushes from my friend - I am slowly regaining control of many things - and I have seen the first glimmer of hope for my son's recovery and eventual entrance to the "real world". 
I have had someone to talk to on a regular basis who actually understood where I've been and why - and where my son had been and why.  I have my own personal "cheering section". 
My friend has needed his own personal "cheering section" too - and has one. There have been  many impromptu meetings of the "Mutual Aid Society" over dinner or fresh cups of coffee...... 
But the funniest thing?
If a fly were on the wall watching the two of us passing each other carrying on full conversations with ourselves and ignoring each other completely - the fly would be collapsed in mirth (as I have been every time I see this phenomena and become aware of it!).
The progress in both our lives is slow. But, that there is progress is most wondrous indeed!

Ephiphany

Most days, I am what one might call a mouse. Rarely, the mouse turns into a lioness. The mouse, who is usually running the show called 'Beth' is happy when everyone in her world is happy. To that end, I prefer to pour oil on troubled waters rather than try to part them. Intelligent discussions or debates I welcome. When it gets to the jumping up and down and arm waving and loud voices - then the mouse pours oil on the water and runs away. To me, that is exhausting. 
In the years since my divorce - I have run my house this way. Often fighting with my daughter to get her to do the things she needs to do. After so many years of wrangling and wrestling with her, and the years of trying to have a successful relationship with a man I loved deeply, I got too exhausted and tried to scurry back into my mousehole to lick my wounds. The problem with this is that I had one more child. Who also needed me to put my foot down and wrangle and wrestle with him. I didn't. Mom fell down. Mom became the easily manipulated doormat. 
One of the things I've needed desperately was support. I got a LOT of support from my parents - all the years my kids were growing up.  My kids would NEVER have had the life they have had were it not for my parents. My mom and dad did all the things with my kids that I wish I could have done - but, as a single mom,  I had to 'keep the lights on'. 
Still, I needed more. More support. I thought I would get that support from that relationship - but, that person - well, suffice it to say, he just simply was not capable emotionally or mentally of supporting anyone except himself. This is not reflective of him, per se. Each person can only handle what they can handle - not everyone can handle the same amount of stress. 

In the last month, a very good friend literally 'arose from the dead'. He came back into my life. This friend is really supporting me. Exactly the way I need to be supported. Talking.... pushing, occasionally giving me the 'hairy eyeball'. Reasoning. Intelligence.
Over the last 2 weeks, he has spent time talking with me. This is a 2-way street - he has needed the support from me to help pull his life back together as well. Over this two week period, I have gradually been emerging from the mousehole - beginning to find the person that used to be able to make decisions and STICK to them.
For the last week, I have been working up to today..... this evening. I almost feel bad for my kids. They are both about to have their little bubbles burst. She is ready - she will be ok - better even - for  this. He - not a snowballs chance. But, right now, he needs the 'tough love'. Till today, I have not been capable of that. I don't feel capable of that even now. But, I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and fall forward. I know I have the support. I'm petrified too - I don't know what the final outcome will be. It could be that even the 'tough love' will fail. But - I've tried everything else. And still - my son spirals downward. So - here we go. 
The lioness is emerging from her den.................

A Postulation

Most people, myself included, prefer 'good' over 'evil'. Most people also try to be as good as they can be (considering we are all imperfect humans). Because we see both good and evil, and we mostly prefer good, we also wonder why, if evil is evil - why does it exist? Some go further and attempt to eradicate evil. 
So, what IS evil? and -what IS good? 
Further, how would one ever know something was "good" if there were no "evil" to compare it to? "Good" and "Evil" are concepts.... "Love" and "Hate" - these are emotions. They are also concepts. These words do not identify tangible things. You can not see, touch, hear, or smell any of these as they have no physical attributes. 
These words are humanity's best attempt at defining intangible concepts. 
Yet, every act, every thought, every thing, every view - these can all be viewed from different perspectives. Different perspectives shed different lights on things. A perspective can make good seem evil. A perspective can also make evil seem good.
Consider......... Mother Theresa - the majority world view of Mother Theresa was that of a good woman who dedicated her life to helping others. Yet, the 'Devils Advocate' was able to take many of her acts which appeared to most as acts of kindness - and turn them around to appear selfish and evil. (And before you jump up and down (as did I, at first) - remember that is what the Devils Advocate is SUPPOSED to do.) 
Consider........... Adolf Hitler - the majority world view of Adolf Hitler was that of a maniacal despot. Yet, his populace truly believed he was good. 
Two people. One which history remembers as 'Good' and the other which history remembers as 'Evil'.

The absence of all color, we define as white.
The presence of all color, we define as black.
Therefore, the presence of one concept indicates the absence of its antithesis. 
Doesn't it?

I would so like to change the world. I would so love all people to be good and kind to each other. To love one another as they love themselves. I would like "To teach the world to sing in perfect harmony".... Yet, if  dissonance were not present, how would I know what perfect harmony is? 

"To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven." 

My personal conclusions:
1.) Every concept is relative.
2.) Every concept is viewed differently by every person. This is directly due to conclusion 1.
3.) All concepts are compiled within each persons mind. 
4.) These personal concept definitions fluctuate due to constant new inputs. 
5.) It is neither possible nor advisable to rid the world of 'evil'. Without evil, we would not have any understanding of 'good'. Conversely, without 'good', there would be no understanding of 'evil'. 

Final Conclusion:
With all this in mind, it seems to me that the very best that humankind can aspire to is acceptance of our differences. Without these differences, we would be automatons.... robots. 

Inhuman..........


Acceptance.
for ALL 
period. 
 

Back to the Future?

As I was reading the news over the last few days, Yahoo's CEO's edict fairly jumped out at me. A woman - and new mom - had reached the conclusion that telecommuting arrangements were bad for the business and terminated the telecommute policy company wide. 
What startled me even more was reading some of the comments on the article - many from bosses and business owners - that completely supported the decision. Some stating baldly that this was her right as a CEO and if the workers did not like it - too bad. 

Before beginning my diatribe, let me first state that I am completely FOR telecommuting for those jobs which can be done from home.  In fact, I have telecommuted part time for over 25 years. For the last 7, I have worked from home full time. I am a single mother of two children and a database administrator. My co-workers have been remote from me (Atlanta GA, St. Louis MO, Fairfield CA, Dallas TX, etc) since 1998 - all require a telephone call regardless of whether I am in an office or at home. The only difference is the telephone number my co-workers have needed to dial. 
I have been through several ups and downs with telecommuting.... not available, available only in dire necessity situations, not available, available with permission from the president and the Pope, available....) 
In the early 1990's in our state, it was a politically astute thing to support telecommute arrangements. Car pooling and Van pooling to save the environment was a focal issue. The company I worked for made HUGE and amazing inroads into making this functionality available wherever possible. They even had some of our call center positions set up for telecommute. It worked - WELL!
Several things contributed to the success of this program. The attitude of the majority of the workers who were allowed to telecommute was that of workers who had been given a HUGE benefit and appreciated it. Many hourly employees worked longer hours - without charging. Salaried employees were happier and more willing to do the off-hour work. (Just because its expected doesn't mean we LIKE it!).  Profits went up. Morale went up. Productivity went up. Due dates were not missed - in fact, many projects came in ahead of schedule and under budget. Sick time went WAY down.
Yes, we had our share of people who abused this gift. There are always people who will be paid for doing absolutely nothing. This is true whether they are in an office or at home. When they were caught, they were appropriately disciplined - first and foremost by having their telecommute privilege terminated, and in some cases - they were simply terminated.
In 1998, our company was swallowed by a larger 'fish'. Telecommute arrangements were terminated completely by the 'swallowing fish'. From that point, thru today, it has been an up and down thing determined by the wind direction. 
All this history (and my bias) presented, let me begin my tome.
                               ______________________________________
The first point I will address: Why would a web corporation with a global presence terminate one of the biggest perks to come a technology workers way since the dawn of the computer?

From a business perspective, this does not seem, at least to me, to be a healthy move for the corporation. It certainly is not the way to attract or retain talent. It also leads to overhead as the company now requires a desk space for each person (as opposed to desk-sharing, or "hotel" desks - vacant until needed).  It seems to me that it is highly likely that the talented individuals will start casting around for other ships to jump to. Certainly, those that CAN jump ship will be the ones with the talent - logically. So, while there may be no layoffs, the individuals left will be either those whose financial or home situations are significantly adversely impacted by transitioning to another job/corporation AND/OR  those who, while good, are not the "Best of the best". These will stay - however, not happily. Unhappy employees - especially those who are forced back to the water cooler - will frequently utilize that water cooler time to air their unhappiness - as opposed to collaborating on the newest deliverable. 
This also significantly limits the potential hiring pool - when one does hire, ones choices are limited by the commute. If, for example,  the corporate office is in Fairfield, California - I cannot hope to attract talent from Atlanta, Georgia or Hartford, Connecticut. This is true even with a 'moving' allowance. The reason? If I sell my home in GA, I will not be able to purchase a similar home in CA because the housing market is vastly disparate.  This is a concern that has been voiced by many a CEO - the inability to find the talent and education needed to fulfill certain positions.
I do believe this edict will solidify her position among others in positions of power.  By and large, corporate positions of power are predominantly male-held. Coincidentally, the holders of these positions of power are also predominantly against telecommuting.  Among the "good old boys" -  CIO's, CFO's, CEO's, COO's at the top of many corporations - there are many who have paid 'lip service' to telecommuting depending on whether it was politically the correct thing to do or not. When we were up in arms over the skyrocketing prices of gasoline, allowing telecommuting was a politically astute move. Now that we have 'settled down' and seemingly accepted the outrageous prices at the pump, there is no political wind blowing in the favor of telecommuting.
Is this a good move for her career? In the short run - perhaps. She runs a tighter, more controlled ship which ascribes to the "warm body in chair = work" theory of management. In the long run? I truly believe this will do more harm to Yahoo as a whole with the more sublime talent jumping on-board for Yahoo's competitors. 
And as morale spirals downward, so too will the corporation. 
With multitudinous people competing for the few available jobs, this is the correct time to enact such a measure. But, as with everything, the worm will turn yet again.

                              ____________________________________________

I have also read that this same woman was having a daycare room built right next to her office to accommodate her child.  This is the second thing I would like to address.

As a working mom, this is a HUGE insult to me.  First, you have terminated the very BEST perk I could possibly have to assist me in balancing the two major priorities in my life. And then you have your child in a room right next to your office - yet my child must go to a daycare. These actions do not inspire loyalty or drive. They do not provide incentive to be the best that I can be at my job. This action by a superior also does not inspire my respect. This action inspires derision - a very unladylike snort, if you will, of abject disgust.
For the parents whose primary career is being a parent, with a secondary career in an office, this will make an already difficult balance to maintain an IMPOSSIBLE one. 
This is nothing less than a return to the days of owing your soul to the Company Store.  Disrespect for the worker of the very highest order.
Many say "This is her right as a CEO". True enough. As a CEO - she can do absolutely anything she chooses - as long as she keeps her Board of Directors and shareholders happy (profitable). But, I submit for your consideration, this thought. Is this a good leader? Is this a leader that underlings will follow? Will give their all for? Will speak highly of and respect? I think not. Does this speak well of the teamwork necessary for a solid future? I think not. 
An honorable person will do their job - all that they are paid for. They will even do it well. However, what many will NOT do is - well - anything they do not absolutely HAVE to do. Deliverables will be delivered. But will they be as good as they could be? Outstanding? Innovative? Probably not.   

As a mom, I was very disappointed with her choice to return to work so quickly after birth. I do NOT believe that one can do BOTH perfectly. Yes, in the last 30 years, we careerwomen/mom's have learned to let our houses go to some degree. We don't beat ourselves up (really hard anyway) because someone drops over and there is still the morning's dirty coffee cup in the sink or the Sunday paper is still scattered all over the floor.  But, we DO beat ourselves up over a missed recital or football game. We know that we have to make choice - some that we don't want to. Miss the recital or a due date.... And we are ok with the missed recital (barely) because we know that if we miss the due date, there might not BE another recital (due to terminal funds-a-low-a because of lack of a job).
Mom to mom, I cannot and do not look up to nor admire her choices.
                         _________________________________________

A little more about telecommuting for all the nay-sayers. 
For every one teleworker that goofs off, there are hundreds that go above and beyond. 
If you are a teleworker, you HAVE to be disciplined and dedicated. You have to set core hours for yourself. And you HAVE to be AVAILABLE. That is the down side of telecommuting. The lines of the work day blur - you have to accept that. Do not expect to turn your PC on at 8am and turn off your PC at 5pm precisely. More often than not (if you are a good employee), you won't. But, the flexibility to do a few loads of wash or put a nice roast on the table (and folks, if you think EITHER of these things takes time or is a distraction - then you aren't doing it right) - is well worth the workday blur.  
Internal chats - use them. Every company has some form of Instant Messaging available - use it. In my current position, my team has a team chat going 24X7. We use that chat just like we were in an office together. We throw ideas around, we teach, we learn, we inform, we collaborate to solve problems. We can share each our screens with each other.  Yes - we do occasionally throw some idle non-productive water-cooler chit chat about kids in there. We aren't robots - we are parent's and people. Most of all, we are a TEAM. I've only met ONE of them in person - but we are as much a team as any I have ever worked on.