Ephiphany

Most days, I am what one might call a mouse. Rarely, the mouse turns into a lioness. The mouse, who is usually running the show called 'Beth' is happy when everyone in her world is happy. To that end, I prefer to pour oil on troubled waters rather than try to part them. Intelligent discussions or debates I welcome. When it gets to the jumping up and down and arm waving and loud voices - then the mouse pours oil on the water and runs away. To me, that is exhausting. 
In the years since my divorce - I have run my house this way. Often fighting with my daughter to get her to do the things she needs to do. After so many years of wrangling and wrestling with her, and the years of trying to have a successful relationship with a man I loved deeply, I got too exhausted and tried to scurry back into my mousehole to lick my wounds. The problem with this is that I had one more child. Who also needed me to put my foot down and wrangle and wrestle with him. I didn't. Mom fell down. Mom became the easily manipulated doormat. 
One of the things I've needed desperately was support. I got a LOT of support from my parents - all the years my kids were growing up.  My kids would NEVER have had the life they have had were it not for my parents. My mom and dad did all the things with my kids that I wish I could have done - but, as a single mom,  I had to 'keep the lights on'. 
Still, I needed more. More support. I thought I would get that support from that relationship - but, that person - well, suffice it to say, he just simply was not capable emotionally or mentally of supporting anyone except himself. This is not reflective of him, per se. Each person can only handle what they can handle - not everyone can handle the same amount of stress. 

In the last month, a very good friend literally 'arose from the dead'. He came back into my life. This friend is really supporting me. Exactly the way I need to be supported. Talking.... pushing, occasionally giving me the 'hairy eyeball'. Reasoning. Intelligence.
Over the last 2 weeks, he has spent time talking with me. This is a 2-way street - he has needed the support from me to help pull his life back together as well. Over this two week period, I have gradually been emerging from the mousehole - beginning to find the person that used to be able to make decisions and STICK to them.
For the last week, I have been working up to today..... this evening. I almost feel bad for my kids. They are both about to have their little bubbles burst. She is ready - she will be ok - better even - for  this. He - not a snowballs chance. But, right now, he needs the 'tough love'. Till today, I have not been capable of that. I don't feel capable of that even now. But, I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and fall forward. I know I have the support. I'm petrified too - I don't know what the final outcome will be. It could be that even the 'tough love' will fail. But - I've tried everything else. And still - my son spirals downward. So - here we go. 
The lioness is emerging from her den.................