I have spent a great deal of time lately thinking about the past and looking deeply at some of my actions. Trying to analyze some of my past.
I remember saying to my x-husband at one point that one of the reasons we stayed together was that I was never bored with him.
He had a lot of faults - many of which were difficult at best to live with - but I wonder if those are really the reasons I divorced him. Or was it - as he suspected - that I was bored. That he no longer surprised me either positively or negatively.
So that brings me to my current train of thought. As badly as I want a relationship - am I really meant to be in one? Can I? Is "happily ever after" really a possibility for me? Or will I continue to roll through life in short term relationships that do not go anywhere. Or perhaps in no relationship at all.
In thinking about the past many relationships - the ones that broke up with me were the ones that kept my interest. Good, bad or indifferent - I couldn't predict their next move. The ones that I broke up with were the ones I could predict their next move. The ones I would consider getting back together with today - and there is only one - I don't understand him despite having been around him for 20 years - and in all that time, he hasn't bored me yet.
And now I no longer have the biological clock ticking thing to contend with so to get involved with something and make it permanent in any fashion - well, there just is no driving need to do that and no reason to HAVE a driving need. I'm almost 50 and I have all the children I'm ever going to have. So the point in "wedded bliss" now would be what? I personally do not see one.
If I decide that I'm not a relationship type person - where do I go from here? Most "normal" people are looking for permanence. And anything less right now - from my children's perspective would be devastating. Would a long distance romance work? Maybe. Would keep me from boredom much longer. Except that the other side of me wants the 24X7 thing when its someone I really care for. I'm kind of an "all or nothing" type.
I miss cuddling up with that special someone to watch a movie - or to sleep at night.
I certainly miss the sex - I'm not the kind of person who can have sex with anyone just for physical relief - I need to have an emotional connection.
I miss having someone to do things with - sometimes. But not all the time. I have friends that I can do most anything I like to do with. Of course - its catch as catch can because all of my friends are either in relationships or married. So are both my siblings.
I think perhaps next time I shall make a two-sided list. One side is for "forever" and the other is for "not forever". And I shall compare the two in my eyes - look at the pro's and cons of each as it relates specifically to me. See what I come up with.
What do you think? Am I a relationship person? Or a short-term fling person? Or neither? Or both?